Apologies

"I'm sorry."

Ever wonder why those words are so hard to say sometimes? Maybe it's because pride gets in the way. Maybe it's because we really want the best for someone no matter what, but we go about expressing concerns or reservations the wrong way. Or perhaps it's because we genuinely feel that we've done nothing wrong, when nothing could be further from the truth.

Earlier this week, I had to tell my best friend, Maryann, that I was (and still am) sorry for being an asshole. She's thinking about moving to another part of the country to see if her relationship with her boyfriend really "has legs" and can stand up to everyday encounters, and also to see if the relationship could even be strong enough for marriage. While I've had some concerns that I think are (or at least were) legitimate, I often expressed those concerns in a way that made Maryann feel bad about herself and in a way that didn't show my support for her. Regardless of how I feel about the situation, I need to do some things: make sure that any concerns I might have are expressed (if at all) in a way that lets Maryann know that I'm on her side and that I'm not antagonistic; and most importantly, make sure she feels validated as a person and woman, as well as supported by me. I wasn't doing or showing any of these things very well.

It took me a long time to realize this, but the major reason why I was an asshole had absolutely nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. I was afraid of losing Maryann and her friendship, even though there is not and never has been any indication that this would happen (I thought there was in a roundabout way, but thankfully I was mistaken). That fear of mine, coupled with some other things, made me act like anything but a friend in many cases. Once I realized the things I was doing and why I was doing them, it was an easy decision to apologize. What I was doing was not fair to her or our friendship, and I had to own up to that. Plus, I take friendship in general, and Maryann's friendship in particular, very seriously. I didn't want to do anything that might jeopardize things between us (ironic that I was doing things that could have done just that). While I can't undo being an asshole, I can act to make things right from now on. That starts with those two words..."I'm sorry."

Thankfully, Maryann has accepted my apology and forgiven me for what I've done. This is a testament to her loyalty and to her character. I truly couldn't ask for a better friend, and I'm very happy that our friendship seems to be fine. Perhaps I will have to do some things to ensure that she still trusts me enough to confide in me about anything, and without fear of reprisal, in whatever form, from me. If I need to, I will do whatever I have to do as atonement.

Maryann, if you read this, please know that I mean all of what I've said here. Thanks for accepting my apology, forgiving me, and giving me a chance to make things right (even if it means that I need to do more than just apologize). I promise that I won't let you down.