Sanctimonious assholes piss me off

Why the hell can't people just mind their own business?

My friend Hope just got married on Sunday. It was a complete shock to me, as she and I haven't talked in a while. I knew that she was dating someone and that she would probably marry the guy, but the surprise nature of it really caught me off guard. I am really happy for her and her husband Paul, as they're both great people who deserve many blessings and happiness.

Hope and Paul happen to be pretty devout Catholics, and it's obvious to anyone who knows them that they credit God for bringing them together. The thing is that while both of them are divorced from previous marriages, Paul's first marriage hasn't been officially annulled yet, which is generally a requirement in order to get married in the Catholic church, complete with a church wedding and all that jazz. Honestly, annulments are incredibly easy to get in the United States (maybe too easy...Grace calls them "McNulments" and she's right). Members of my own family have received them, and while the process takes a little time, it's pretty much a given that the annulment will be granted. If a couple chooses to have a ceremony outside of the church (as Hope and Paul did), they always have the option of getting their marriage convalidated by the Catholic church once the annulment is finalized (granted, not always the case, but the overwhelming majority of the time it is the case). Once the marriage is convalidated, it's as if they had a church wedding from the very beginning, "endorsed" and "blessed" by the church. This is much more common than people realize, and it does not in any way make a couple "less Catholic" if they choose this route.

Anyway, some uber-Catholic bozo posted a status update on her Facebook page which was clearly a not-so-veiled attack on Hope and Paul (although this woman claims ignorance, I know she's full of shit because Hope is on both her and my friends list, which means she saw Hope's news). The bozo's status update said something like this (paraphrasing): "I will never understand why two practicing Catholics choose to forego a church wedding in front of a priest for a civil ceremony, rather than waiting for the annulments to be finalized. Couldn't they have waited to have a real wedding/marriage in the eyes of God?"

Um, excuse me?

First of all, I know that Hope and Paul are going to have their marriage convalidated as soon as possible, so it's really not a huge deal with regard to their marriage eventually being "endorsed" by the church.

Second, even if they weren't going to have it convalidated, does that mean that God hasn't blessed their marriage? If one believes what God/Jesus said about always being with us, then doesn't it stand to reason that God/Jesus would bless all the events of our lives (with the possible exception of committing very heinous crimes such as murder)?

I understand that the Catholic religion requires annulments and, eventually, convalidation of the marriage. I have no problem with that, because that's the way the religion is set up (I also have no problem with those religions that do not require annulments or convalidation, as it's the way those religions are set up). Even though I haven't got a problem with the way that the Catholic church handles this matter as an institutional policy, the fact remains that the majority of people in this world are not Catholic. Does that mean that their marriages haven't been blessed by God? I don't think so. Similarly, let's say that you had a Catholic wedding in the United States and then moved to Iran. Does the fact that the Muslim religion would not "bless" your marriage mean that it's any less blessed or holy in the eyes of God? Again, I don't think so.

Third, the fact is that Hope and Paul's wedding is legal in the eyes of society. Because we in the United States do not live in a theocracy (thank God), their marriage is just as legal as if it had been "witnessed" by a priest, minister, rabbi, or any other member of the clergy. To imply that their marriage is somehow "not real" is hypocritical and a slap in the face.

As an aside, I know that a legal marriage in the United States doesn't automatically include any religious aspect. But knowing that two people feel that God brought them together and that these two people are pretty devout in practicing their religion seems to say that God is right there in the middle.

Finally...and this is the big one for me...who the hell are we to say what God can or cannot do? I don't believe that God has an "anything goes" mentality, but I do believe that God is very loving, and that he would be utterly thrilled for Hope and Paul or any other couple in the same situation. The fact is that we don't understand God very well, and we probably won't until it's all explained to us at the end of time (my personal belief). How do we know why God does the things he does? How do we know that God doesn't bless two lovely and decent people who decide to make a lifetime commitment to one another? Another fact is that we simply have no control over what God does, feels, or thinks. Unless I see clear evidence to the contrary, I choose to believe that God will bless any marriage that is undertaken for the right reasons and with the right aims. He may also want the official requirements of a couple's particular religion to be fulfilled (no problem there), but that doesn't mean that the marriage isn't blessed.

As far as I'm concerned, I want God's blessing if I ever get married...hell, I'll need God's blessing! Marriage is tough enough as it is, so having a little divine guidance should definitely help matters.

I'm not knocking religion here. In fact, I think that religion, practiced and used in the spirit of God's love and kindness and forgiveness, is a great thing. I think it's important to have a belief in something greater than ourselves, and religion is often an excellent way to help manifest that belief. I also believe that people who have some sort of religious affiliation are generally happier and more fulfilled in life...studies and my own personal observations have shown this. The same goes for couples who have a religious affiliation (even if they're from different religious traditions, although that can admittedly become thorny at times). Couples with a religious affiliation tend to be happier and last longer than those without one. I'm not pulling that out of my ass to endorse religious affiliation, but just simply stating what many studies have shown. None of this is to say that a couple without a strong religious belief or affiliation can't last...many can and do, even if they have no religion. I just believe that it's easier with a religious affiliation, and studies back me up on this.

Although I'm not knocking religion, I am knocking the "holier than thou" types who automatically condemn something that is outside their perception of their religious tradition. It's fine for these people to have the beliefs they do (as fucked up as I can sometimes think they are). However, it's not fine to start publicly exclaiming that a marriage is somehow "not real" or not blessed by God when it's not our call to make.

Kids mess up a marriage...here's proof!

Before I get beaten to death with a 2 x 4 for the title of this post, let me say that I'm joking...to a point. I have friends who are married, with children, and who seem to have wonderful marriages. I know that having children doesn't necessarily have to screw up a marriage...in fact, having children can add to marital happiness for some couples.

That being said, it makes perfect sense to me that having children can, and often does, put serious strain on a marriage, as this story points out. I think a lot of people feel pressure to have children because "society" or "their parents" or "the biological clock" or any number of things tell them that the "normal" thing to do is to get married and have a kid, or two, or eight, in the case of "Octo-Mom" (sorry...couldn't resist the reference). These are completely ridiculous and wrong reasons to have a child, in my opinion. The only determiner of whether or not one has a child needs to be whether or not both the woman and the man are truly ready to be parents. To that end, I think that people need to think about having sex outside of marriage (or at least a committed relationship) and the consequences that will result if a pregnancy occurs. Not all of those consequences are bad, but they are all serious and must not be taken lightly!

What about birth control, you ask? Well, if you believe that it will be efficacious, and if your personal or religious beliefs do not preclude you from using it, then please use it if you are not ready to be a parent! Also remember, though, that birth control is not, and never has been, 100 percent effective...there will always be times that it doesn't work (I have known people who have dealt with the issues and consequences involving ineffective birth control).

Getting back to how having kids affects a marriage, though...even if you are completely convinced that you want a child and that you will make an excellent parent, a marriage will, by necessity, take a back seat to caring for the children...much of the time. That doesn't mean that the marriage will automatically fail or that it will even suffer a great deal, but let's face it...most married couples with children (at least young ones) are going to feel at some points that they have nothing left to give their partner at the end of the day. Kids or no kids, that is not a good position to be in regarding one's marriage! It happens, sure, but when it occurs on a consistent basis, the marriage can often be headed for trouble. That's why the couple has to insist that they have some time for just the two of them, whenever it's practically possible. I do have some friends who make time for "date night" every week, and they're raising two young daughters, both under the age of ten. I applaud them for doing that. Sometimes, even as much as you love your kids, your partner has to come first!

As you've probably guessed by now, I am not a parent. Currently, I have no desire to be a parent (although friends tell me that I would be a great dad...and they're probably right to an extent). I can't say for certain that I won't wake up someday and decide that I want to be a dad, but I don't see it happening (I have thought about it long and hard...trust me!). I admit that one of the attractive things to me about my girlfriend is that she doesn't want kids. I'm not sure if she and I will end up getting married, but if we do, I know that we will both feel a great sense of freedom in being able to pursue our interests, both separately and as a couple, without having to worry about taking care of a child.

I am not "anti-kid"...far from it. I absolutely adore the children that friends of mine have, and I love being their "honorary uncle." I also hope that my sister chooses to have a child someday, as I would love the chance to be a "real" uncle. I just don't feel that it is fair to myself, the woman I love, or to a child, for me to become a dad due to any other reason than having a genuine desire to do so, in conjunction with the woman I love having a genuine desire to become a mother. If I'm not genuinely ready to have a child and accept all of the responsibilities that come with having that child, then it's best I remain childless. I wish that more people would think about it that way before deciding to become a parent. The children are owed that.