Before I get beaten to death with a 2 x 4 for the title of this post, let me say that I'm joking...to a point. I have friends who are married, with children, and who seem to have wonderful marriages. I know that having children doesn't necessarily have to screw up a marriage...in fact, having children can add to marital happiness for some couples.
That being said, it makes perfect sense to me that having children can, and often does, put serious strain on a marriage, as this story points out. I think a lot of people feel pressure to have children because "society" or "their parents" or "the biological clock" or any number of things tell them that the "normal" thing to do is to get married and have a kid, or two, or eight, in the case of "Octo-Mom" (sorry...couldn't resist the reference). These are completely ridiculous and wrong reasons to have a child, in my opinion. The only determiner of whether or not one has a child needs to be whether or not both the woman and the man are truly ready to be parents. To that end, I think that people need to think about having sex outside of marriage (or at least a committed relationship) and the consequences that will result if a pregnancy occurs. Not all of those consequences are bad, but they are all serious and must not be taken lightly!
What about birth control, you ask? Well, if you believe that it will be efficacious, and if your personal or religious beliefs do not preclude you from using it, then please use it if you are not ready to be a parent! Also remember, though, that birth control is not, and never has been, 100 percent effective...there will always be times that it doesn't work (I have known people who have dealt with the issues and consequences involving ineffective birth control).
Getting back to how having kids affects a marriage, though...even if you are completely convinced that you want a child and that you will make an excellent parent, a marriage will, by necessity, take a back seat to caring for the children...much of the time. That doesn't mean that the marriage will automatically fail or that it will even suffer a great deal, but let's face it...most married couples with children (at least young ones) are going to feel at some points that they have nothing left to give their partner at the end of the day. Kids or no kids, that is not a good position to be in regarding one's marriage! It happens, sure, but when it occurs on a consistent basis, the marriage can often be headed for trouble. That's why the couple has to insist that they have some time for just the two of them, whenever it's practically possible. I do have some friends who make time for "date night" every week, and they're raising two young daughters, both under the age of ten. I applaud them for doing that. Sometimes, even as much as you love your kids, your partner has to come first!
As you've probably guessed by now, I am not a parent. Currently, I have no desire to be a parent (although friends tell me that I would be a great dad...and they're probably right to an extent). I can't say for certain that I won't wake up someday and decide that I want to be a dad, but I don't see it happening (I have thought about it long and hard...trust me!). I admit that one of the attractive things to me about my girlfriend is that she doesn't want kids. I'm not sure if she and I will end up getting married, but if we do, I know that we will both feel a great sense of freedom in being able to pursue our interests, both separately and as a couple, without having to worry about taking care of a child.
I am not "anti-kid"...far from it. I absolutely adore the children that friends of mine have, and I love being their "honorary uncle." I also hope that my sister chooses to have a child someday, as I would love the chance to be a "real" uncle. I just don't feel that it is fair to myself, the woman I love, or to a child, for me to become a dad due to any other reason than having a genuine desire to do so, in conjunction with the woman I love having a genuine desire to become a mother. If I'm not genuinely ready to have a child and accept all of the responsibilities that come with having that child, then it's best I remain childless. I wish that more people would think about it that way before deciding to become a parent. The children are owed that.
That being said, it makes perfect sense to me that having children can, and often does, put serious strain on a marriage, as this story points out. I think a lot of people feel pressure to have children because "society" or "their parents" or "the biological clock" or any number of things tell them that the "normal" thing to do is to get married and have a kid, or two, or eight, in the case of "Octo-Mom" (sorry...couldn't resist the reference). These are completely ridiculous and wrong reasons to have a child, in my opinion. The only determiner of whether or not one has a child needs to be whether or not both the woman and the man are truly ready to be parents. To that end, I think that people need to think about having sex outside of marriage (or at least a committed relationship) and the consequences that will result if a pregnancy occurs. Not all of those consequences are bad, but they are all serious and must not be taken lightly!
What about birth control, you ask? Well, if you believe that it will be efficacious, and if your personal or religious beliefs do not preclude you from using it, then please use it if you are not ready to be a parent! Also remember, though, that birth control is not, and never has been, 100 percent effective...there will always be times that it doesn't work (I have known people who have dealt with the issues and consequences involving ineffective birth control).
Getting back to how having kids affects a marriage, though...even if you are completely convinced that you want a child and that you will make an excellent parent, a marriage will, by necessity, take a back seat to caring for the children...much of the time. That doesn't mean that the marriage will automatically fail or that it will even suffer a great deal, but let's face it...most married couples with children (at least young ones) are going to feel at some points that they have nothing left to give their partner at the end of the day. Kids or no kids, that is not a good position to be in regarding one's marriage! It happens, sure, but when it occurs on a consistent basis, the marriage can often be headed for trouble. That's why the couple has to insist that they have some time for just the two of them, whenever it's practically possible. I do have some friends who make time for "date night" every week, and they're raising two young daughters, both under the age of ten. I applaud them for doing that. Sometimes, even as much as you love your kids, your partner has to come first!
As you've probably guessed by now, I am not a parent. Currently, I have no desire to be a parent (although friends tell me that I would be a great dad...and they're probably right to an extent). I can't say for certain that I won't wake up someday and decide that I want to be a dad, but I don't see it happening (I have thought about it long and hard...trust me!). I admit that one of the attractive things to me about my girlfriend is that she doesn't want kids. I'm not sure if she and I will end up getting married, but if we do, I know that we will both feel a great sense of freedom in being able to pursue our interests, both separately and as a couple, without having to worry about taking care of a child.
I am not "anti-kid"...far from it. I absolutely adore the children that friends of mine have, and I love being their "honorary uncle." I also hope that my sister chooses to have a child someday, as I would love the chance to be a "real" uncle. I just don't feel that it is fair to myself, the woman I love, or to a child, for me to become a dad due to any other reason than having a genuine desire to do so, in conjunction with the woman I love having a genuine desire to become a mother. If I'm not genuinely ready to have a child and accept all of the responsibilities that come with having that child, then it's best I remain childless. I wish that more people would think about it that way before deciding to become a parent. The children are owed that.
Children are bad, m'kay?
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